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02 August 2005 @ 04:30 am
Angst!  
Just an angsty little thing I wrote up.  You can probably guess from the story that it's John who's involved...and the lover's identity isn't that important, though you might guess who it is.  408 words, no cursing, no sex, just pure emo and angst.  :-P



He can’t stand it.  This sneaking around, the constant lies, all to keep up the brittle façade that he doesn’t dare let fall for even a moment.  How long can he keep it up, he asks himself time and time again while he’s giving her that ridiculous happy-talk about how things are fine with him and how much he misses her.  And again when he’s kissing her after he arrives home.  And yet again as he struggles through the mechanical motions of making love to her, hating what he’s doing to her and to himself, but unable to stop.

It isn’t just her.  He’s lying to himself, constantly, about what he wants, what he feels, what he thinks, what he believes.  Sometimes it’s blatant—“I’m not, it’s nothing, nothing at all”—and sometimes it’s a subtle half-truth, hiding a bigger lie—“See, it’s not so bad, nothing’s happened, everything’s fine.”  And then there’s that horrible nagging feeling that he’ll never be free, never be able to leave this wretched situation, this hellish life.

And then there’s his lover.  He’s jealous of him, the way that he’s unattached, free to live as he pleases, not having to answer to anybody.  He’s free to love as he chooses.

Free.  The word mocks him, teases him, shows him what could be if only, if only…

But it’s too late for him.  He’s stuck, trapped, feeling like he’ll never break free.

But at the same time, he senses the impending doom up ahead.  He can feel his marriage disintegrating around him.  Everything seems the same, but he can feel that things are changing, she’s changing, very subtly, and it fills him with a terrible sense of dread.

How long before she guesses the truth?  She’s always turned a blind eye to all his indiscretions before, but eventually the clues, the hints of what’s going on are going to hit her right in the face, and she won’t be able to ignore the situation any longer.  Sooner or later it’s all going to collapse, and then what?  What will she do, what will she say?

But that day hasn’t arrived yet.  It’s still a ways off.  So he continues, day after day, living this lie, acting like everything’s normal even as he chafes under the strain of this ridiculous double life.  Doing everything he can to try to inhabit this shell of a marriage.

He doesn’t know how much longer he can wait.
 
 
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Steph - that weird, veggie, beatle lover pervertblackbird_num9 on August 3rd, 2005 12:54 am (UTC)
that was good...Paul is his lover. Period
he struggles through the mechanical motions of making love to her,
i found this funny for some reason...
weeping_sitar on August 3rd, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
I enjoyed it. That's all that matters, anyway :P
hollywood_song on August 3rd, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
Everyone loves emo! Especially emo John! He's emo-licious! You can just see his tragic pout and stratigically placed tear drop!

Lovely job, by the way. Rather enjoyed it.
stupidbloody2sd on August 3rd, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
ha ha!!!
emo licious
i can see the black rimmed glasses and the emo hair cut too
lying on his floor with roses surrounding his face
and that one stratigically placed tear drop (as you mentioned before)
Arielle: George/John in my Life by Ignitedaylaranzz on August 3rd, 2005 07:01 am (UTC)
I really liked this. Great job.
Roserosej on August 5th, 2005 10:47 pm (UTC)
That was so wonderful, I really enjoyed it and I think you captured everything he was feeling perfectly. (His lover is *so* Paul)